Had I ever thought about becoming a refugee? Or, as we are now called, a temporarily displaced person? Have millions of other Ukrainian women thought about it? Definitely not! Did you dream of such a fate? Exactly not. Or about moving to another country? Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, many people have thought and dreamed about moving to another country. But planning your moving in advance, choosing a country, and a city, weighing all the pros and cons, is one thing, and fleeing because of war is quite another thing.
Nobody could expect and believe that in the 21st century, we should come through such an awful, difficult, and exhausting path beginning with COVID-19 and now war in Ukraine, in my native land and beloved country in a peaceful time and a modern civilized society.
Reading books concerning World War I and World War II I was sure that it was already in the past and our generation would not go through this again, and would not face this horrific experience.
On the evening of Sunday 20th of February 2022, my father called and told me to prepare documents and a small backpack with essentials in case of russian invasion and open war. I was shocked as I couldn’t believe that was true and not a game of one madman.
I couldn't sleep all night, there was a whole bunch of thoughts in my head. "What to do, how... but nothing like this can happen, and what will happen to me and everyone if...?", “What can I take with me if war suddenly starts?” “What can you squeeze into a 'small backpack'?” The question of the “small backpack” has become a cornerstone, metaphorical, and rhetorical for every Ukrainian, both literally and figuratively, regardless of whether a person stayed in Ukraine or left. Such a small question contains a very deep and important meaning. You cannot take your clothes, books, flowers, property, and other goods and things that you love and created with love, the only thing you can take with you is yourself, because there is nothing more important than a human life.
On 24th of February 2022, russian army invaded Ukraine and real hell began. This was not a film or a computer game, this was and still is a reality at the heart of Europe, Ukraine. Even more, this is not only a war, this is a genocide of the Ukrainian people. Peaceful Ukrainian people should fight for their lives and the lives of their families, for their country, for their motherland, and for lives and freedom of humanity, for better lives for everybody in different parts of the world, for eradicating wars from the Planet Earth and bringing peace, and the most important for creating a new WORLD.
I was not prepared for this war, I did not expect that it could happen in real life. I will never forget the morning when everyone got a call. Despair, pain, and panic with a taste of sorrow and the realization that you were in a mousetrap and had no idea how to get out of it. That first day was endless and continued for many days, and for many of us for many months. All fears began to fall out of «Pandora's box», the level of anxiety skyrocketed, and the understanding of the fact that you were responsible not only for yourself but also for your retired parents, was depressing. The feeling was as if you were in a horror movie but you were not a spectator, you were an active participant, and this was not a movie, but a reality, and it did not go anywhere after you woke up in the morning, of course, if you managed to get even a little sleep.
I wanted to fall asleep, then to wake up, and realized that it was a nightmare and now it stopped... But the reality was that you woke up in the morning, and somehow it got worse: more deaths, more grief, pain and suffering, diseases, tears and crying. I wanted to scream, but I did not have the strength; I opened my mouth but there was only silence, I could not say anything, only tears went on. I remembered how I was taught to behave and to do, I tried to do everything with love and through love, then I remembered that I should not try, I just had to do it, then I started doing it, but everything fell out of my hands, everything was somehow wrong and not correct, I understood, that I was not a real spiritual person, not a real light or firefly and not a real MASTER.... Then I looked around and realized that everything was OK with me and I was doing everything correctly but just at my own pace and rhythm, with my own “bumps” and mistakes, my way, not someone else's. I understood that all people were and still are twisted - everyone, even the super-enlightened. All bad things, habits, and behaviors that all that time were hidden and were covered with blankets now have been revealed because of great energies and potentials going into our Earth and not giving any possibility to hide anything. Thus people can't control themselves and do and say things they never tell and do before. In this particular case, I mean all people from all over the world showing all their dark sides because the Light illuminates and there is no longer a way to hide anything. And people who previously seemed to behave adequately somehow lose their adequacy. There are constant fights between Ukrainians on Facebook, between those who stayed in Ukraine and those who left; between those who were constantly in Ukraine and those who have now returned; between those who were and are engaged in humanitarian work and volunteering and those who do not, etc.
"The Scream", Edvard Munch
In my personal opinion, I believe that no one has the right to condemn anyone, everyone made their own choice: difficult and painful. And by the way, I fled, not relocated but particularly fled. I went in the middle of nowhere, not even knowing until the end where I would be taken. I left because my psyche couldn't take it. I left because I worried about my parents and their health, both physical and mental. I left because I no longer had the strength to tolerate war. I left because I was afraid... Yes, afraid... I was afraid of exactly what the orcs did and continue to do on our land. Yes, someone will judge me no matter what, without knowing my situation or the situation of others. But does this person have the right to judge me or people like me? No - not! I jumped into the abyss, leaving my whole life, in the country I loved, in the city that inspired me. I left my country with one small backpack, which is in the first photo because I was not going to go anywhere beyond my parents' apartment. Yes, I forgot, I had my blanket and my pillow with me because I was going to stay with my parents for one night. This is all that I brought to the country that sheltered me!
In this article, I don't want to write about all the difficulties and fears that I experienced in those terrible first days of the war in Kyiv and near Kyiv and about our exhausting move to another country. Not now. I am not still ready. But I will definitely write in the future. And now and here I would like to write about something else....
For the first time in my life, I left my home, my place of strength for so long.
For the first time in my life, I went in the middle of nowhere and without anything.
For the first time in my life, I stepped out of my comfort zone, leaving behind everything I had, everything I created, everything I invested in.
For the first time in my life, I drove for more than four days almost non-stop to reach my final goal, every moment praying and remembering all the practices and techniques I had been taught.
For the first time in my life, I felt disgust for the aggressor nation, so strong that I had a gag reflex and great vomiting.
For the first time in my life, I felt that I had almost no money and could not afford anything in Europe.
For the first time in my life, I wore the same clothes all the first days of the war, without taking them off, and even went to bed in my boots, because I was afraid that there would be an alarm or an attack and I would have to run somewhere.
For the first time in my life, I wore second-hand hand-clothes of my foreign colleagues, whom I'm grateful, for because I didn't have any of my own, except for a single fleece costume.
For the first time in my life, I lived in a dormitory and felt all the "advantages" of such coexistence.
For the first time in my life, I felt a whole cloud of gossip, manipulation, scandals, bullying, and psychological harassment.
For the first time in my life in such a short period I was hospitalized three times in a row and I underwent four operations.
For the first time in my life, I explained the entire medical history in a language that I do not speak and do not even understand.
For the first time in my life, I felt such chronic fatigue that I staggered as I walked.
For the first time in my life, I came across a huge bureaucracy, where for every paper you need one more, and for this one more, etc.
For the first time in my life I felt, although it is more correct to write, I was made to feel like a second-class person.
For the first time in my life I felt guilty for the fact that I was here, in a safe country, and my family and friends, like millions of Ukrainians, were there, in hell or relative peace.
For the first time in my life….
I plunged into a complete abyss of emptiness and unknownness, realizing that "it will NEVER be the same again!".
But the most important thing is that I learned to accept everything as it is, giving thanks for all the experiences I received, which made me stronger, which changed me, not someone somewhere, but me here and now. I would not like to lie and pretend that everything was perfect for me - no, not always, and not perfectly. But I continued to breathe deeply and accept everything, not paying attention to anything! The feeling of peace and acceptance sometimes even frightened and alarmed me. This is how our brain is arranged - it constantly needs to worry about something. I'm in someone else's clothes and I don't care?!? I have already become a regular client at the hospital and it does not bother me?!? The ambulance has come to the hostel many times, and I'm calm?!? I'm on the operating table, and somehow I don't care, but it feels like all this is happening to someone else, not me, and I'm even joking with the anesthesiologists, and maybe even flirting, lying almost unconscious and naked?!?
The list of the first things I did or felt during this war could go on for quite a long time... So I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone! Everyone has made their choice and everyone is now going through their trials, which in any case must be passed because otherwise there can be no evolution of the Soul.
And yes, I switched to the Ukrainian language. Without appeal. Because language matters. Because language identifies us as a nation and sets us apart from others. Because the Ukrainian language makes us stronger. Because this is our energy weapon against the aggressor country, against the terrorist country.