The Uncertainty of Illness

It was very uncertain, unpredictable, and challenging for me. It was a full blackout when I was numbed, my body was numbed, my mind was numbed. 

For a long time, and I am not talking about days or months, it was almost for two years, I did not accept, I resisted, I blamed, and I catastrophized l. I wanted my past life to return and I returned (the previous version of me). I screamed and wept a lot, but failed even more into the darkness of my inner emptiness. 

Severe panic attacks almost without any stop, anxiety disorder, insomnia, frustration, burnout, depression, loss of weight and muscles, dizziness and mind fog, physical unbalance of my body, shaking of hands and legs, nausea and vomiting, sweating, difficulty with breathing, terrible headaches and unbearable ache in the spine, ultimately inability to walk for several months….brought me to the very bottom of my essence and soul. I was forced to look at myself and reevaluate all my life. From that huge and consuming darkness, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning occurred….

I ultimately stopped and through consequences in mental and physical health I first asked the most important questions - “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”.

My health issues were not karma or God’s punishment, it was a devastating catalyst to awaken me and to look inward instead of looking outward as I did all my life. That energy of the inner tsunami forced me to change my behavior, mindset, emotional reactions, beliefs and values, and the way I communicate and interact with myself and outer world step by step. 

It was my inner war with terrorists and bombs, as all our old patterns, misbehavior, low-frequency energy, negative thoughts, etc, are inner terrorists/inner demons/inner shadows that destroy us.

That was a first step to kill my ego and transfer the keys to my life to my Soul and Higher Intelligence. 

That was also a preparation for the next uncertainty, more global, more powerful, more uncontrollable.

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With Love,

Yuliia Berhe