Life is a carnival.

26.08.2025.

This is my third UK trip, and third to London. 

I am obsessed with the UK and particularly London. I fell in love with it from the phrase “London is the capital of Great Britain”, which is one of the few phrases an ordinary child remembers from post-Soviet school. For many such children, London became a dream, or, like for me, even an obsession. When I first came to London in 2020, just before global isolation, I came together with anxiety disorder and diverse panic attacks, it accepted me as I was and healed in the way it could; and I felt at home. When I came to London for the second time in 2024, I came with fear of my mother’s death because of cancer; it accepted me and healed me. When I came to London this time I came with chaos, full of uncertainty, fear about the future and being completely lost after losing my mom, quitting from the company I worked for so long, staying without apartment and any understanding what would be next, but it accepted me and healed through tears, pain and suffering from one side, and beauty, authenticity, fundamentalism, existensionalism and gorgeousness on the other side.

It is easy to write and speak about changes, but it is very challenging to implement them. While I am on vacation, I desperately and obsessively try to feel like I have everything I don't have in my small city. It means that I am going every day 20-27 km to see everything, even if I was already there, I do the same. This time I wanted to try something new, but it was difficult, my mind again created the same routine with the same places in London. After long debates, I have asked Chat GPT to help me create a new approach for travelling. I liked its recommendations, they were pretty much the same I had the intention to implement during last year, but the seduction of doing the same was bigger than I. 

So, instead of going all the same route, I will go to Notting Hill and chill there, calmly drinking coffee in a cozy cafe, writing my book, and just do nothing, but contemplate, feeling the atmosphere of the “Notting Hill” movie and creativity in general. 

I came to Notting Hill and did nothing. I didn't understand what happened: there were a lot of policemen and policewomen everywhere, a lot of streets were closed to cars, and people wore very strange and bright costumes. In a few streets, I was already in the epicentre of one of the biggest carnivals in London. I was stunned and speechless. I have never seen something like this.

The carnival in London for me was like a living canvas, every street was full of colour and rhythm. Sequined costumes shimmered in my eyes, combining with the bright London sun. Feathers crowned the heads of participants, brilliantly shining with turquoise, crimson, and gold. Their bodies moved with a huge inner power and energy. I felt I was somewhere in Latin America, and not in London, at least that's how I imagine Latin America, bursting with colors, rhythms, energy, and bright clothing. Every costume was unique and told its story, screaming and attracting attention. The smell of street food and cannabis was everywhere, which made me feel nausea and dizzy, and I had problems with breathing.

Almost all cafes, shops, and sightseeing points were closed. The majority of the ground floors of the buildings were barricaded - entire facades covered with boards reaching up a full story high.

My very first emotions there took me into shock and questioning: "Is Notting Hill still a living district? Nowadays, it only serves for movies, and people do not live there anymore. Is it a ghost "small city" in London?"

Debating inside my head, observing everything there very attentively and consciously, asking hundreds of questions to Chat GPT, I realized that dwellers are forced to barricade their houses during Carnival to protect them from violence and vandalism, and even more owners of these buildings are forced to flee somewhere to other cities, not to be in the epicenter of the craziness of the Carnival.

While Chat GPT was trying to persuade me that this Carnival is very friendly, my eyes saw barricaded facades and hundreds of policemen everywhere.

At some point, I was no longer able to stay there, so I literally ran away....

Sitting in a new district near the Channel and Paddington station, I realized our lives are a carnival. Whatever mood, circumstances, and feelings we have, we put on impressive, bright costumes and go to a party or carnival that is called life, and when we return home and take off those splendid costumes and masks, we become naked and vulnerable with all our struggles, fears, fights, and even internal wars.

Life is not a beautiful picture with spectacular facades; it also has the back yard with holes, cracks, and wounds. It’s impossible to accept the beautiful facades and reject the ugly back yards. It’s not wholeness, integrity; it’s separation. London is not only about beautiful and luxurious buildings from movies, postcards, and books; it’s also about very old and ugly buildings that are terrifying even to look at. When you accept only the beautiful part of London, you do not truly like it, and even more, you do not accept and like yourself!

This time, Notting Hill helped me to understand that true freedom, creativity, and rebellion do not come in the zone of comfort, noble families, or luxurious lifestyles; it is born from hardship, challenge, fight, and authenticity. 

London is not only the capital of Great Britain, but it is also a city of great opportunities, a city of extreme contrasts, and the home to millions with their hidden stories under gorgeous carnival costumes.

Being strong and courageous also means being fragile and vulnerable. Being beautiful and gorgeous also means being ugly and authentic. Being innovative also means being old and even outdated. Being curious and creative also means being speechless and silent. This is all about integrity and the strength to accept yourself, life, and other people as they are. This is true London. This shows the true me.

This is my vision of every city as a reflection of myself and my life.

Every person, event, city, or country is a reflection of us. What we have inside we emanate outside. This time, I came to London full of chaos, uncertainty, not knowing what to do, who I am now again at this very moment, and what the existential meaning of everything is. Even though London accepts me as usual, it showed me the beauty and ugliness of the carnival of life....

P.S. One day I would like to return to Notting Hill when there is no Carnival, but the artistic and cultural rhythm of this area....