Letters to my mother

My dear mom, 

Last year you asked every day and almost every hour when Christmas would be…. You did not already hear or see… That was very painful for me to accept that you were losing connection to this reality, and that your soul was preparing you for the other realm…. One day all of us were sitting with you and you told: “Today is ultimately Christmas. Let’s celebrate!” It was not Christmas, the time was approaching the New Year as today.

This Christmas was the first without you and I have very mixed feelings about everything. I am sorry mom, I did not finish either my memoirs or my novel nor I learnt German. I promise to do it next year.

Today I also want to tell you that I am so sorry for not telling you the full truth, but I wanted to make better for you. I asked you and God to forgive me for thousands of times. I went to confession and asked to be forgiven.

That very special day in 2023 November or December (I don’t remember precisely, I need to find the records) when you were lying in a hospital bed, half-conscious after lung surgery, the doctor came in. He tried to smile but he was nervous. He took your hand and told you that the operation was successful; it was true, but then he looked at me and told me: “I need to tell you the truth - your mother is dying. I saw her lungs, tumor is everywhere. I did everything I could. Be strong and brave. You need to give your mother hope, that is very important for her.”

Staying numbed I found the strength not to weep and calmly asked: “How long?” 

“A year, maybe a year and a half with good medication, hope, and belief.”

My mother interrupted us.

“Yuliia, my dear, ask the doctor how much more time is left for me?”

I translated controlling myself not to weep, but smile.

The doctor answered philosophically: “All is in God’s hands, believe. That's very important. Only God knows. Magic can happen. Believe and be strong as you are!”

He looked at me and told: “I advise you to celebrate Christmas and New Year in the family with love, gratitude, and smiles - that can be the last Christmas.… But remember only God knows. Pray and believe.”

The same day my mother’s mobile rang, it was my brother calling from Canada. My mother’s brother, my uncle and godfather, died in Ukraine. I was not able to express any condolences to my brother - two such news at the same day was too much for me. My mom was of course in despair and wept for a while but then she said: «God’s will governs all things. Everyone dies in their own time - my brother’s time had come, mine had not yet. But one day it will, and we will meet again.»