Addicted to perfection

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism."

Carl Gustav Jung

Since childhood, we have been taught to do everything the best way, to receive the highest (or in some countries the lowest – depending on the education system) points or grades, to meet established and constantly changing standards in society, and to do so that each time we surpass both others and ourselves. This pursuit, which cannot be called life, will never end, because there is no limit to perfection. There will always be someone whose results will be better than yours. And society's requirements can be changed, and if yesterday you were a leader, today you can be "in a ditch", because you did not surpass yourself yesterday or other people and you were simply moved, giving your bright place under the sun to others.

This path is too emotional and exhausting, as a person becomes not only adrenaline-dependent but also loses control, constantly demanding more and better, being dissatisfied with himself/herself, even when his/her results are really good. Many can debate about perfection and find confirmation that this has a very positive effect on career, appearance, relationships, etc. But in reality, playing the "perfection game" is only about the fact that you are no longer the owner of your own life spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, more and more approaching the abyss. Delirium about perfection in everything leads only one way – to nowhere... This nowhere can be manifested in constant depression and melancholy, prolonged clinical depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, and body problems on a physical level that are materialized in a variety of health diseases.

I, like millions of other people, have been a perfectionist for all my life, demanding both from myself and other people the unreal, being in constant dissatisfaction with my results in everything. Getting the result, even if it was the one I dreamed of at the beginning, I was disappointed, because on the way out I always wanted something more... I did not enjoy my successes, neither small nor big, I could not enjoy any results, because I always had to run forward. Where forward?!? Of course, it's hard to answer but go forward. At that time, I didn't even realize that perfectionism was a flaw that could destroy lives.

Many corporations and businesses are manipulated with perfectionism – you always have to do the best and achieve a better result each time than the previous one, otherwise, you are simply not interested as a candidate for a big business. It seems to be nothing wrong, but... This will not lead anywhere but burnout, because again, you find yourself in a mousetrap of dependence on perfectionism. You achieve cool results, then even cooler, then cooler than cooler ones, and at the end, when the time comes, and the time comes sooner or later for everyone, each person begins to realize that all this was useless and they did not even have time to live, but simply served for results, achievements and conquesting of peaks, and well if all these desires were their own, but overwhelmingly even not theirs...

Life has forced me to reconsider many things in myself, in my approaches, and my mentality. And I saw perfectionism from a different angle - it had not only negative but also detrimental effects on me and my health. For several years I had been working to free myself from this addiction and it had already begun to look like I was doing very well. But there is a trap here... Perfectionism, like any flaw or our negative side, has a whole arsenal of tools for wearing masks and hiding so deeply in the dark corners of the inner human universe that you will not realize at first that here it is, again in front of you, but in a new outfit.

I have been living in Germany for more than eight months, I have not yet gone to German language courses. I have been waiting for five months for a termin to pass a test, according to the results of which I will be enrolled in a language course. I tried to study online on different platforms, but it didn't work for me, at a certain stage I suspended my studies for various reasons. A German woman from the store recommended I just listen German language, while walking around the city, and communicate with locals – so I could quickly adapt and learn. I did as she recommended. This option was comfortable for me and without any tension and chase. Once a friend of mine told me that I was speaking good in German. I made a disgruntled facial expression and mentally said to myself: "But, I would like better."

I got a termin with a new doctor who spoke only German, and I had to tell him everything about me in German (I mean my medical diagnoses and health issues). Entering his office, I immediately told him that I could speak only a little bit German.

- Where are you from? From Ukraine?

- Yes.

Having translated all my diagnoses in advance in the Google Translator, I slowly told him everything.

- I have to say, you speak quite well in German.

I shook my head.

- I'm telling you. Well! I have many patients from Ukraine and they cannot say a word in German. On the other hand, there are so many other refugees and foreigners who have been here already for two-three years and speaking worse than you do.

When I left the doctor's room I had something to think about. I felt that stench of perfectionism veiled under the new "sauce". And again, I felt as if I was not satisfied with myself and unable to praise myself for those small, but huge steps, that I had already done.

Some may say that perfectionism is about responsibility in everything, but in reality, it is completely different, it is about irresponsibility and not self-love. Paying attention to your every step and thought (don't mix with CONTROL!!!) is a very good technique to keep track of the embryo of perfectionism or any dark side of you and not give them again the opportunity to deceive you.

When you first start working to change something within yourself, you feel helpless, because you do not know what and how to do, such a program is not yet registered /installed in your brain, and you just don't have such an experience. But the reward is that a person can learn everything, the main thing is only to desire it from your heart, not from your ego, and of course to work, work and work...

P.S. In Harvard Business Review there is an article created by Brian Swider, Dana Harari, Amy P. Breidenthal, and Laurens Bujold Steed "The Pros and Cons of Perfectionism".

"The results affirm that perfectionism meaningfully and consistently predicts several “beneficial” workplace outcomes. For example, perfectionists are more motivated on the job, work longer hours, and can be more engaged at work. However, our results also indicate that perfectionism is strongly and consistently related to numerous “detrimental” work and non-work outcomes, including higher levels of burnout, stress, workaholism, anxiety, and depression."

The full version is here https://hbr.org/2018/12/the-pros-and-cons-of-perfectionism-according-to-research  

November 19, 2022.