A conversation with God at St. Paul's Cathedral. London, 2024.

That morning I looked at the mirror to braid my hair and suddenly realized that I was almost completely gray. It was as if yesterday I had my natural hair color, and today my whole head was gray. I can't say that I was very upset, because I'm in London and I have a huge list of things I want to see and do, so I didn't have much time to be upset and I didn't want to spoil my mood and day. So, a few hours later I was already at St. Paul's Cathedral.

St. Paul's Cathedral, named after the Apostle Paul, is one of my favorite places in London. For me, it is not only a masterpiece of architecture but also a kind of magical place. Right opposite the Cathedral is the TATE Modern (gallery of contemporary art), and they are connected by the Millennium Bridge, which literally takes you from one era to another, and it is done so harmoniously and naturally that you no longer understand what time and space you are in.

I have not been inside the Cathedral yet, but during my two trips I walked near the Cathedral and each time I spoke with God as if he had been waiting for me there for a long time. 

I walked around the Cathedral several times, took photos and videos, just admired its beauty, fantasized about what it was like here 100-200-300 years ago, and then sat on a bench in the Cathedral park. Closing my eyes, I felt and heard Him again - His presence, His support, His acceptance of me, His unconditional love.... It's a strange feeling when you are completely alone, but you know that He, the God, the Creator, the Source of Sources, the Absolute, is near you, and He holds your hand tightly. Tears and smile spontaneously appeared on my face as a sign of gratitude and the fact that I know He was there.

"Do you want to talk about your gray hair?"

"No, not really."

"But you care about it."

I can't lie to Him.

"Yes and no. Five years ago, if I had seen my hair turn gray so quickly and suddenly, I would have started crying and been nervous. And a few years before that, I would have started pulling it out, which was what I did when the first signs appeared. And a few years before that, I would have dyed my hair so that no one would notice, so that no one would pay attention and make comments, so that no one would make fun of me or bull me and ask me unpleasant direct, and rather intimate questions. You know, now I have completely different feelings. It hurts me and I'm not happy that I turned gray so early and suddenly. But I have no desire to quickly dye it all over so that no one notices and no one says anything, or so that the photos look glamorous or some other nonsense. I realize why this happened!"

"Yes, this is a completely different girl. Now you're finally doing it for yourself, not for someone else."

"Yes, it's true. And maybe I will dye my hair, but not now and not to meet the standards of a limited society, where people for some reason have to put themselves in a box to be standardized. And you know, I look at my gray hair and I don't care about other people's opinions, I care about...."

"Yes, I know. Your gray hair is a high price you paid for a difficult experience."

"Yes, it is. So I think more about what I've been through than what others will think."

"Others don't know your path, and they never will, because it's yours alone. Thank your gray hair for the wisdom of life and challenges you have found the strength to go through and survive. Only you and I know your path and your price."

Please remember - your experience is yours alone, no one will ever understand it, and no one should understand it. Never compare your experience with the experience of other people, do not measure yourself by the primitive categories of the linear world. Just accept your experience and thank it. It is thanks to it that you are who you are today and thanks to it that you are still alive.

April 18, 2024.